OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
