im six kinds of drunk right now
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
