And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
