Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
