One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
