Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
