i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
