may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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