I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
