I think I won the penis lottery.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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