just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
