Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
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Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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