My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
