Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
