There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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