Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
