Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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