$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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