If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
