he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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