Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
meet me or not, i'm out of control
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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