During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
