he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
