We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
