I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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