I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
