take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
