3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i've created a new STD.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
