Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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