he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I love you.
Bad choice
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
