You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
