So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
