Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
