I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
