So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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