The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
