I puked a lego.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
