K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
