two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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