i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
