either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
