Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
