god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
