WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
