I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
