Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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