Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
