New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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