My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
