Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
