you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
