I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
