i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
