i was born a porn star she said
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
whose parrot is this?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
