I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I looked at my own cervix.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
