I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
