Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
