I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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