yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
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I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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