New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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