I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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