Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My vagina is officially offended.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
