I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
